show details 6/21/10 |
Hi Carlos
I'm sorry that you seem unhappy and I hope that things get better for you.
I noticed that you unfollowed me on Twitter - I have done the same but to be honest it actually really bothers me that you don't seem to want to talk about or discuss anything or be open but would rather just ignore and simply be hostile. I'm sure that you have your reasons though, and I am open to hearing them.
Your recent actions are really beyond me - you're interpreting my responses to you as being hostile when actually I've tried to be as neutral as possible. It's true that where we stand now as friends is not as it was in the past, but there are so many reasons for this.
It's also true that there is an element of aversion in my replies - but there's a reason for this too. I'm just very uncertain of where I stand with you and thus, wary. I can't help but feel that you really resent me, and if this is the case then that's something I can't control, and naturally we can't be friends then! Since friends have to at least like each other.
You can't just disappear for months and then suddenly ask me personal things or try to make small talk as if nothing has transpired. Major things have happened in my life in the last few months. Are you aware of this? I've gone through a lot of personal changes and things are very different now.
I really feel upset because I feel like you're judging me without understanding or knowing anything about me as a person. And now you're just cutting me off without having even resolved anything. Also - it seems like you're making a lot of assumptions which may or may not be true. I have to say that I feel very unlistened to in this friendship - I feel this undercurrent of you not respecting me or thinking little of me. Please correct me if this is not the case because I would love to be wrong about this. I hope it is just my paranoia.
I've actually written several emails to you today - trying my best to word them as sensitively and openly as possible. Even though I feel upset, I keep thinking about all the great times we've had in the past and I believe that our friendship does mean something to me at least.
So if you'd like to discuss and talk about things - especially a lot of the issues that we haven't resolved - I'm open to do it now.
It hasn't been possible for me to do this in the recent past either, because things have hurt a lot and I have also had a lot of personal things to work through.
The truth is that recently, I've been noticing that you've been trying to reach out, and I've been wondering if there will be a time that we can have a meaningful conversation. However, to be fully honest with you, it's gotten harder for me to have such a conversation over the internet (especially such severely limited and superficial media like facebook and twitter - simply impossible for me anymore). I was also stumped as to HOW to reach out to you since we haven't spoken for so long and there are also unresolved issues and I've also been really, really busy with my personal life. most of my internet time has been largely productive and work-oriented. Social interactions are now mostly IRL for me - which is kind of new to me.
So yeah, if you'd like to talk, I will find some time this week. Let me know what's good for you, and I would love to hear your thoughts in general. Let's try to work something out - and if you're facing something particularly difficult in life, please explain so I can have some context for your actions at least? I would appreciate that.
In any case and whatever you decide, I do wish you all the best!
Best,
-A.
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show details 6/21/10 |
Hi Abigail
YOu must read this blog post to fully understand my actions and this email.
I'm sorry that you seem unhappy and I hope that things get better for you.
Thank you for the email, this alone has helped. Strangely enough.
I noticed that you unfollowed me on Twitter - I have done the same but to be honest it actually really bothers me that you don't seem to want to talk about or discuss anything or be open but would rather just ignore and simply be hostile. I'm sure that you have your reasons though, and I am open to hearing them.
Im sorry if my actions seem hostile, there is no hostility here towards you.
Your recent actions are really beyond me - you're interpreting my responses to you as being hostile when actually I've tried to be as neutral as possible. It's true that where we stand now as friends is not as it was in the past, but there are so many reasons for this.
I know there are many reasons for it, and some of them I attribute to myself, but I was slowly getting this overwelming feeling that you did not want to be bothered at all. My actions to stop (publicly) following you was more of an attempt at letting you know that I okay with you wanting to not communicate with me at all.
It's also true that there is an element of aversion in my replies -
Ohh trust I know... but again what can I do but respect your decision.
but there's a reason for this too. I'm just very uncertain of where I stand with you and thus, wary.
I thought it was simple, we are "friends"
I can't help but feel that you really resent me,
Yes, and, no... I resend not you but what we did to our friendship.
and if this is the case then that's something I can't control, and naturally we can't be friends then!
I will always be your friend abby, this was more about me giving you more space.
Since friends have to at least like each other.
This is very true, and again very little of the way I feel about our friendship has changed other than me just learning when to back down.
You can't just disappear for months and then suddenly ask me personal things or try to make small talk as if nothing has transpired.
I never disappeared, just got digitized and thats partly my fault, at one point I felt as if everything I said everything I did only was pushing you futher away, I even told you this on the phone once. So much so that I figured that maybe if I just left you alone then maybe just maybe I could salvage a thread of what we once were. I know you been through a lot ohh trust, I don't believe you have written a blog post since we met that I have not read. Yet in this passive one way form of communication, and interactivity as explained in my blog post has only led to the decrease in our human to human interactions.
Major things have happened in my life in the last few months.
YOu too? I've been doing some travelling as of late and the only person that came to mind when wanting to share my adventures with has been you but, like you stated youve been really busy as well.
Are you aware of this?
Im aware of all that you have chosen to share publicly, but of course one can never know how the emotional imprints the stories we tell are truly effecting our lives.
I've gone through a lot of personal changes and things are very different now.
Im glad, as you should constantly seek to grow and change, with every single molecule in our body constantly in a state of flux change is built into the universe. YOu will change till the day you die a flow that when held restrictive can cause more damage than good.
I really feel upset because I feel like you're judging me without understanding or knowing anything about me as a person.
Wow, this is exactly how I feel about not just you but everyone in general.
And now you're just cutting me off without having even resolved anything.
My decision to not just delete you but more directly myself felt as the final resolution. It was really starting to feel that I had become a nuisance to you and thus wished simply give you all the space you wanted. I strongly believed this is what you would have wanted, maybe having me in the feed only caused further desegregation of our initial friendship. This alone adds to my internal ( you can't do or say anything right ).
Also - it seems like you're making a lot of assumptions which may or may not be true. I have to say that I feel very unlistened to in this friendship
awwww, Im sorry, although I have never turned you down when you approach me to talk, how can I listen to you if you never have anything to say. Take this email for instance if your assumptions are correct which they are not, I would not be taking the time to answer this email line by line. Im answering your email this way only because I am paying attention to everything you are saying so much so that I want to make sure I don't leave any of your concerns unanswered.
- I feel this undercurrent of you not respecting me or thinking little of me. Please correct me if this is not the case because I would love to be wrong about this. I hope it is just my paranoia.
You are completely 100% percent wrong here, my will to respect what I believed was your desire not to communicate with me is why Im just trying to stay away as much as possible. If I thought very little of you I would not even bother to check up on you periodically. So yes this is paranoia
I've actually written several emails to you today - trying my best to word them as sensitively and openly as possible.
Thank you for concern, I don't know what to think, all of this is extremely confusing for me.
Even though I feel upset, I keep thinking about all the great times we've had in the past and I believe that our friendship does mean something to me at least. awww, im sorry Ive upsetting you this is what i was trying to avoid.
So if you'd like to discuss and talk about things - especially a lot of the issues that we haven't resolved - I'm open to do it now.
We can talk whenever you wish you know this, I have a dedicated Ip address to my brain. ;P
always on skype.
It hasn't been possible for me to do this in the recent past either, because things have hurt a lot and I have also had a lot of personal things to work through.
What things? me? and if so, this is what Im trying to avoid, I did not want to cause you any harm and if talking to me was bringing up thoughts and emotions you were not ready for, then I was okay not talking to you till you were able to do so.
The truth is that recently, I've been noticing that you've been trying to reach out, and I've been wondering if there will be a time that we can have a meaningful conversation.
Well we are having one now, are we not?
However, to be fully honest with you, it's gotten harder for me to have such a conversation over the internet (especially such severely limited and superficial media like facebook and twitter - simply impossible for me anymore)
Exactly what I argue is happening to our relationships in my recent blog post. with the use of technologies such as twitter myspace (carlos no one uses myspace anymore) facebook..
. I was also stumped as to HOW to reach out to you since we haven't spoken for so long and there are also unresolved issues and I've also been really, really busy with my personal life.
Easily understood, and as stated you seemed very happy, I did not want to mess that up by making you think about the past. You don't owe any explanations whats so ever.
most of my internet time has been largely productive and work-oriented.
Social interactions are now mostly IRL for me - which is kind of new to me.
Congrats, I wish I could say the same but have yet to meet a cool chick like you to have real life interactions with.
So yeah, if you'd like to talk, I will find some time this week. Let me know what's good for you, and I would love to hear your thoughts in general. Let's try to work something out - and if you're facing something particularly difficult in life, please explain so I can have some context for your actions at least? I would appreciate that.
Well I will be online most of this week, but after that I hope I have found something more productive to do in real world. Again thank you for your email, it honestly blew me away, as I figured my actions would simply go unnoticed.
In any case and whatever you decide, I do wish you all the best!
In retrospection, I guess Im starting to freak out over the lack of substance behind the interactions we are all having. I talk to more people now than ever but in the midst of it all Ive never felt as alone as I feel now. Theres is also a dire sense of worthlessness and powerless, I feel powerless to change little things that effect my life. So while I descend into an emotional black hole, the last thing I want is to pull anyone in with me.
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show details 6/22/10 |
Quick reply - I would much rather talk to you over Skype or something since email is starting to bother me.
Thanks a lot for your email. I was really upset and afraid that you would send a hurtful email. I guess it's just me being paranoid. Good to know that that's what it is.
Yeah - there have just been a LOT of major changes. I am FINALLY moving to the US now for three years on a student visa, and it's been very hectic the last year as you know I've been going back and forth. I don't think I can even begin to express how stressful or how great the changes have been since then.
I actually felt like you were trying to avoid me - you're not unwanted. It's just that there are some things about you that I don't really understand, but would like to. Or at least would like to try. It's true that I needed space - but space is not unfollowing someone on twitter :( I actually took that as hostility, especially following your previous tweets.
But I appreciate you being sensitive enough to feel that I needed space. I think it's really just the weight of us not resolving things from the past - and I definitely take responsibility for this as there are things that I haven't been able to look at until now. I hope we can have a discussion about this at some point. I can't deal with unresolved issues in friendships - I think they undermine the strength of the relationship, even if nothing is said. I need to be really open with my friends at this point.
I get periodically agitated with and distrustful of people from time to time, I apologize that this has spilled over into my friendships etc. Got to keep that in check - it's a throwback from the past.
I agree with a lot of what you've said in your blog post - hence the reason I make most of my social interactions IRL these days, or at the very least over Skype video.
So, there's a lot more that I want to say, but I'll be out of the house completely today. I will look for some time in the next week and try to talk to you over Skype or something.
So - what's going on, where are you currently? Are you going to be moving back to NYC anytime soon?
Best,
-A.
